In late February 2020, Rebecca Kennedy, a 39-year-old Columbia-trained psychologist and Manhattan mom of three, launched an Instagram account, @drbeckygoodinside, to supplement her clinical practice.
“We are the parents of the pandemic period. Books will be written about us one day. Historians will explain how hard this time was for families and how parents heroically managed day after day,” Kennedy writes.
She had around 200 followers at the time. She now has more than 1.3 million in addition to pre-recorded courses on topics such as food battles ($54) and tantrum reduction ($95); a $276 annual membership where acolytes can access exclusive content; 20 employees that help manage her growing business; and, as of tomorrow, a new book out, “Good Inside: A Guide To Becoming the Parent You Want to Be” (Harper Wave).
While some may see Kennedy’s advice — a k a “Dr. Becky” — as precious and ineffectual (a criticism lobbied at many millennial proclivities), her loyal following takes a breath, grants you your own experiences and respectfully disagrees. Dr. Becky is this parenting generation’s Dr. Spock, soothing anxieties with Ivy League credentials, a good blowout and Goop-tinged language.
“We move from a place of ‘What’s wrong with my child and can you fix them’ to ‘What is my child struggling with and what’s my role in helping them,’” she writes. “And hopefully also, ‘What’s coming up for me about this situation?’”
The book begins with the assumption that every millennial’s parents were a bit lacking.
“Place your hand on your heart and deliver yourself this important message. ‘I am here because I want to change,’” the first chapter reads. “I want to be the pivot point in my intergenerational family patterns.”
How exactly does one become a pivot point? First, Kennedy posits, you must ditch demands in favor of two-way communication. Instead of simply telling your tykes to clean up their rooms, it’s asking them: “Do you want to clean up right now or in two minutes?” If two minutes pass and the Legos remain on the floor, as they very likely will, parents should validate their children’s feelings, saying things such as “I know you’re so mad you don’t want to clean up!”
Eventually, the expectation is that a child will do what you want them to do, but Kennedy anticipates that tantrums may also ensue. Epic tantrums are to be greeted with patience and, preferably, a walk-in closet. If a child is having a major meltdown, Kennedy recommends carrying them to a tiny space and sitting with them until they regain their composure. “A small room shows a child — through bodily containment, not words — that their emotional fire cannot burn down an entire house,” she writes.
Mantras are recommended for both parent and child. For bedtime, a kid might be told to repeat “Mommy is near, I am safe, my bed is cozy.” Mom might tell herself “This will end. There will be a moment when my child is asleep. I can cope with this.” Kennedy doesn’t suggest phrasing such as “A bottle of Sancerre awaits,” but parents are free to customize however they see fit.
Timeouts, long a recommended practice, are a no-go. Kennedy said they might work in the short term, but, in the long term, they can erode the trust and connection parent and child have.
Reena Patel, a licensed educational psychologist and board-certified behavioral analyst in San Diego, doesn’t disagree. “Kids who are acting out are trying to communicate,” she said. “Research corroborates that punishment, including timeouts, aren’t effective.”
But, Angela Caldwell, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles, agrees that parents who follow Dr. Becky might sometime find themselves frustrated (and with the Legos still on the floor).
“The advice you’re getting is good, but it’s the CliffsNotes version. What should take a few paragraphs to explain might only [get] a few sentences,” she told the Post. “If your problem is small to medium size, the CliffsNotes may work. But if it’s bigger, then you might need more support.”
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